dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
