she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
NoShamevember. You game?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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