what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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