When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
