I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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