I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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