You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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