Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
