my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
