the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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