Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
