I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
