Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
