I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
