My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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