there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
