When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
