Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
