there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
