Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
