my sisters under your porch take her home
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
