If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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