hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
