so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
