Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
