i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
