I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
