So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
