Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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