What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
