Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
