We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
