I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
