Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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