My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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