JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
