Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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