Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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