Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
