Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
