sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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