I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
