Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Houston, we have a squirter
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
