This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
