Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
