Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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