Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
