I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
