you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
