Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
there was a trapeze. enough said
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
