Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
